I Want to be Homer Simpson

Who wouldn’t ?

You get to be sexist slob and still have a loving wife to come home to. You have intelligent and loving (sometimes) kids, who never grow old. You have a dog. You’re worthless at work but never get fired. Or if you do get fired, Mr. Burns hires you right back. Your nights are spent at Moe’s Tavern with interesting, loyal, drunken friends. You get to eat a lot. Sweet.

So this weekend I’m going to see the Simpsons Movie with my lovely wife. I’ll bring a hotdog or two, maybe a burger, chips, some soda (sorry, no Duff allowed), laugh and burp a lot.

Some of my favorite Homerisms:

Homer: [Meeting Aliens] Please don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids. Eat them!

Here’s to alcohol, the cause of–and solution to–all life’s problems.

Marge: This is the worst thing you’ve ever done.
Homer: You say that so often that it lost its meaning.

It’s true, I’m a Rageaholic…..I just can’t live without Rageahol!

When I held that gun in my hand, I felt a surge of power … like God must feel when he’s holding a gun.

Marge: Homer, you don’t have to pray outloud.
Homer: But he’s way the hell up there!

Lisa: I’m an ugmo.
Homer: Now, that’s not true. You’re cute as a bug’s ear.
Lisa: Father’s have to say that little stuff.
Homer: Dad, am I cute as a bug’s ear?
Grandpa: No. You’re homely as a mule’s butt.
Homer: There. See?

Homer: You don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That’s the American way.

Homer: I do have a story about two other young marrieds. Now, the wife of this couple had an interesting quirk in the bedroom. It seems she goes wild with desire if her husband nibbles on her elbow.
Mrs. Krabappel: We need names.
Homer: Well, er, let’s just call them, uh, “Mr. X” and “Mrs. Y.” So anyway, Mr. X would say, “Marge, if this doesn’t get your motor running, my name isn’t Homer J. Simpson.”

Bart, with $10,000, we’d be millionaires! We could buy all kinds of useful things like…love!

There is no such thing as a bad doughnut.

When that guy turned water into wine, he obviously wasn’t thinking of us Duff drinkers.

Be generous in the bedroom — share your sandwich.

Let me just say, Winnie the Pooh getting his head caught in a honey pot? It’s not funny. It can really happen.

I made a deal with myself ten years ago . . . and got ripped off.

Always feel with your heart, although it’s better with your hands.

When I’m dead, I’m going to sleep. Oh, man, am I going to sleep.

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